enkiv2s-glossary-of-tech-industry-terms

Agile: 1. an attribute of any team, no matter how dysfunctional; 2. [see SCRUM]
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Altcoin: a slow spreadsheet [see Blockchain]
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Big data: spreadsheets that won’t fit in excel
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Big data science: a silicon valley themed porn parody of the Insane Clown Posse film “Big Money Hustlers”
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Blockchain: [marketing slang] slow linked list
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Business logic: whatever actions the software is intended to perform (as opposed to the much greater number of actions forced by poor design decisions)
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CGI: 1. a shell script that prints HTML; 2. pixels
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Cloud, the: a computer you rented from Amazon or Microsoft
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Cloud computing: the pyramid-selling of cycles
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Container: slow chroot jail
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Containerization: a packaging method wherein a script is packaged with an entire linux distribution [see Electron]
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Crypto: 1. (obs.) cryptography; 2. an altcoin
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Data: spreadsheets
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Data mining: using grep on your http logs
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Data science: using grep on your http logs with a minor in statistics
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Deep learning: brute force statistical modeling, performed by non-staticians, using third party code on rented computers [see Cloud, Cloud computing, Data]
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Disrupt: to undercut the competition by mislabeling employees as independent contractors & paying them less than minimum wage
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Elastic: using more rented server resources than planned
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Electron: a packaging method wherein a static copy of a website’s cache is packaged with a complete duplicate copy of the user’s web browser
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Engineer time: the duration of the period during which a developer browses stack overflow instead of browsing reddit
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Enterprise: any business large enough to have two help desks that don’t know about each other’s existence
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Enterprise-grade: slow and broken
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Enterprise ready: once reached the front page of HN
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Ethereum: a mechanism for making normally-free voluntary distributed computing schemes cost money
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Full-stack developer: a software engineer who falsely believes that the web browser is the entire computer
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ICO: (orig. Initial Coin Offering) a tupperware party for men with frosted tips
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Internet of things: [formerly: ubiquitous computing, ambient computing, environmental computing, internet of everything, the networked home, home automation, everyware, smart home, smart building, intelligent building, intelligent architecture] putting linux on your toaster
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IPO: the transfer of a failing business’s debt from venture capitalists to employees and other rubes
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Mechanical turk: [see Disrupt]
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Portfolio: 1. a spreadsheet of debt owed to failing businesses; 2. a collection of invalid patents not yet invalidated by the examiners; 3. Atari’s entry into the PDA market
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Reactive: the property of a website wherein it is made possible to view it on a smartphone-sized screen by adding so much bloat that it is no longer possible to render it on a smartphone CPU or cache it in a smartphone’s RAM
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Revision control: a ledger containing the mistakes of youth
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Script: a small segment of someone’s shell history
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SCRUM: a machine that turns engineer-time into meetings
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Software engineer: a programmer with a bachelor’s degree
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Software engineering: writing code that doesn’t need to exist, but writing it in Java
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Startup: a small business with no plans to become profitable
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Uber: a taxi service [see Disrupt]
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Venture capitalist: a problem gambler
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Venture capital: a collection of high-risk payday loans
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Visionary: someone who repeats other people’s ideas while wearing a turtleneck
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Waterfall: [see SCRUM]
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Web 2.0: simulating native applications by live-editing a rich text document
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Web application: [see CGI]
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World wide web: rich text documents on other people’s computers
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